[原创] 不要你送我一只口红

正黎明

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<P>你要离开了<BR>说要送我一件礼物<BR>我激动难耐 因为已等了好久<BR>无奈 你已记不起是什么了</P>
<P>多渴望你的礼物  <BR>我已经等了许久 但看你现在这个样子 <BR>我紧咬嘴唇 不让泪流 </P>
<P>你突然高兴得象个孩子 拉着我的手说<BR>你是世界上最美的女人 也是我的女人<BR>就是要送你一只口红 </P>
<P>我无法控制自己 任泪水淌过渗血的嘴唇<BR>不要你的口红<BR>就要你留下来  陪我做女人<BR>给我一千次拥抱 一万次亲吻</P>
<P>you mean to send me a gift  when you see bye<BR>how I am excited;I have long been waiting for it <BR>but you have forgotten what you  buy </P>
<P>how I wish to receive your gift <BR>I have long been waiting for it<BR>such are you now; I bite my lips ,holding back tears</P>
<P>All at once you are so happy, like a  child <BR>saying I am the most pretty girl , and your lady<BR>you just want to give me a lipstick<BR>i can't keep back tears<BR>letting them running over the bleeding lips </P>
<P>Never give me a lipstick<BR>I want you to stay with me<BR>giving me hundreds of big hugs <BR>thousands  of  hot kisses</P>
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谢九天

<P>很好！请保持这种中英文结合的创作方式！在创作中先求意，语言倒可放在次要的位置！</P>
<P>中文诗的语言还待加强！但慢慢来！你可多看些现代诗歌创作的作品，揣摩一下他们的构思与表意！你的诗歌创作表达方式是一种直白式的，这就需要语言高度的凝练才能最大限度的体现文美与诗意！不过进步仍然是肯定的！</P>

正黎明

黎明谢老师的指教。 我一直在怀疑自己，为什么就不象别人一样写的含蓄 ，有深度，总是一种直白的流露！

天堂有鸟

天堂有鸟

天堂有鸟

<P>古诗又译(不如楼主的抒情)</P>
<P>you mean to send me a gift  when you see bye<br>how I am excited;I have long been waiting for it <br>but you have forgotten what you  buy </P>
<P>临别赠何君已忘.</P>
<P>久遗激情令吾伤.</P>
<P>how I wish to receive your gift <br>I have long been waiting for it<br>such are you now; I bite my lips ,holding back tears</P>
<P>紧咬朱唇强忍泪,</P>
<P>曾盼汝馈时何长.</P>
<P>All at once you are so happy, like a  child <br>saying I am the most pretty girl , and your lady<br>you just want to give me a lipstick<br>i can't keep back tears<br>letting them running over the bleeding lips </P>
<P>当云卿卿为尤物,</P>
<P>轻点洚唇涕罗裳.</P>
<P>Never give me a lipstick<br>I want you to stay with me<br>giving me hundreds of big hugs <br>thousands  of  hot kisses</P>
<P>不求胭脂如春水,</P>
<P>只愿拥吻入梦乡.</P><br>

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-6-24 12:48:48编辑过]

枫叶如丹

同意九天兄点评。黎明的进步很大，很有诗情，写下去定会有很大的进步。问好同行！

枫叶如丹

<P>呵呵，天堂兄厉害，也和一首：</P>
<P>浪漫曾经君莫忘，</P>
<P>而今一别暗心伤。</P>
<P>胭脂伴我缠绵梦，</P>
<P>旖梦相拥无短长。</P>[em04]

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-6-24 18:33:17编辑过]

谢九天

呵呵！都厉害！