[原创]到玉超农场
本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:18 编辑<p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 36pt; mso-char-indent-count: 4.0;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: black; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><font face="宋体"> 到玉超农场 <span lang="EN-US"><p></p></span></font></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 90pt; mso-char-indent-count: 10.0;"><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: black; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> <span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: black;"><p></p></span></span></font></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 18pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: black; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><font face="宋体">山高水远闲云近，</font><span lang="EN-US"><br/></span><font face="宋体"> 草长林深野鹤归。</font><span lang="EN-US"><br/></span><font face="宋体"> 石上清泉流出电，</font><span lang="EN-US"><br/></span><font face="宋体"> 梦中晓雾闻啼鸡。</font><span lang="EN-US"><br/></span><font face="宋体"> 椰风八面吹岛国，</font><span lang="EN-US"><br/></span><font face="宋体"> 海韵三千撼东篱。</font><span lang="EN-US"><br/></span><font face="宋体"> 我愿天涯藏景色，</font><span lang="EN-US"><br/></span><font face="宋体"> 橡胶园里自耕炊。<span lang="EN-US"><p></p></span></font></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: black; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><font face="宋体"> <span lang="EN-US"><p></p></span></font></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 18pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><font face="宋体">关于《到玉超农场》的说明和求助</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span> 一联写路上看到的景象，二联写园中的生产和生活，三联写我们海阔天空发议论，四联写我所想。该诗几经修改，总不如意，只得请诗友邦助炼句。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span> 一联：山高水远闲云近，草长林深野鹤归。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span>出句：山高自然水流源远，有水则气蒸云雾山中的内在联系；对句：草长自然林深，林深则有鹤归，还行。但“长、归、深”不如“高、远、近”词意划一。我也试过“草长</font></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><font face="宋体">莺飞野鹤</font></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><font face="宋体">归”，草长则藏鸟飞莺，尚可，但莺和鹤同属鸟类，不存在莺生鹤的内在联系<span style="COLOR: black;">。而</span>“闲云野鹤”，是玉超兄最喜欢的生活情趣。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span> 二联：石上清泉流出电，梦中晓雾闻啼鸡。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span>这里的问题是“晓雾闻”与“清泉流”的意思不对应，我也试过“石上清泉流发电，林中晓雾闻啼鸡”，我和网友们都认为“流发电”“</font></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><font face="宋体">感觉生硬了些</font></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><font face="宋体">”。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span> 三联：椰风八面吹岛国，海韵三千撼东篱。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span>该联写我们这些来自四面八方的朋友乘着海南椰风，海阔天空地谈论。“海韵三千”：由毛泽东的“自信人生二百年，会当击水三千里”而来；“东篱”出自陶渊明的“采菊东篱下，悠然见南山”，此指玉超农场。但若按格律套，“东”字不合仄。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span> 四联：我愿天涯藏景色，橡胶园里自耕炊。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span>海南的空气特新鲜，农场的景致更是一派自然风光，橡胶园工人采乳制胶团，自耕自织，让人迷醉。但愿现代椰风不要吹到这世外桃源，现代文明也带来了现代污染，现代腐朽。希望保护自然环境，给当代人和子孙留下一些自然的空间。</font><font face="宋体"><span lang="EN-US">
<br/></span> 这等思想是否有悖于社会进步？还请诗友们帮我辩正。<span lang="EN-US"><p></p></span></font></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: #ac4601; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><p><font face="宋体"> </font></p></span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; FONT-FAMILY: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 宋体; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;"/><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;"/></span></p>
本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:18 编辑
<p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon;">谢二位关注！</span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon;"></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon;">闲<personname wst="on" productid="山">山</personname>居士<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2005-11-12 10:21:46 </span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><p></p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 18pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">宜兄：诗的整体是很好的，本人感觉只有<span lang="EN-US">“</span>发电<span lang="EN-US">”</span>二字与全诗的意境不合，最好修改一下。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><p></p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><p> </p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">拈花一笑<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">2005-11-14 15:49:49</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><p></p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt 17.95pt; mso-para-margin-top: 0cm; mso-para-margin-right: 0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom: .0001pt; mso-para-margin-left: 1.71gd;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">石上清泉流发电，</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><p></p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt 17.95pt; mso-para-margin-top: 0cm; mso-para-margin-right: 0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom: .0001pt; mso-para-margin-left: 1.71gd;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">林中晓雾梦啼鸡。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><p></p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt 17.95pt; mso-para-margin-top: 0cm; mso-para-margin-right: 0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom: .0001pt; mso-para-margin-left: 1.71gd;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">感觉生硬了。呵呵</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; COLOR: maroon; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><p></p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><p> </p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">宜信<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2005.11.14.<p></p></span></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 18pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">有理。<span lang="EN-US"><p></p></span></span></p>
“流出电”似不妥，与对句也不工整。先生所到俱是田园幽境，歆羡 ：） 本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:19 编辑
椰风八面吹浮岛,海韵三千撼矮篱:)
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