处州竹鸣 发表于 2006-11-8 08:56:11

浣溪纱·游古堰画乡

本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:43 编辑

<p><span style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: 黑体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 黑体;"><p></p></span></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p style="TEXT-INDENT: 103.5pt;"><font size="3"><font face="宋体"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;老树</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">参天掩古亭</span></font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt;">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><font face="宋体"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">。一江碧水数峰青。两三舴艋</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt;"><p></p></span></font></font></p><p></p><p></p><font size="3"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><font face="宋体">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 渡头横。</font></span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span><font face="宋体"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">隔岸苇滩栖白鹭，沿堤石壁挂萝藤。畅</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt;"><p></p></span></font></font><p></p><p></p><p></p><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<font size="4">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 游仙境寄闲情。</font></span><br/>

弗庵 发表于 2006-11-8 09:41:00

本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:43 编辑

前面大好,结句平了.

潇湘渔歌 发表于 2006-11-8 10:11:43

本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:43 编辑

<p style="TEXT-INDENT: 103.5pt;"><font size="3"><font face="宋体"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: arial; mso-hansi-font-family: arial; mso-bidi-font-family: arial;">“三两渔舟</span></font></font><font size="3"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: arial; mso-hansi-font-family: arial; mso-bidi-font-family: arial;"><font face="宋体">野渡横”和“</font></span><font face="宋体"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: arial; mso-hansi-font-family: arial; mso-bidi-font-family: arial;">沿堤石壁挂紫藤”句均应为“<u>平</u>平<u>仄</u>仄仄平平”。</span></font></font></p>

处州竹鸣 发表于 2006-11-8 11:07:45

本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:43 编辑

<p>谢<strong><font face="Verdana" color="#da2549">弗庵、潇湘渔歌两位诗长雅正！</font></strong></p><p><strong><font face="Verdana" color="#da2549">出律之处已修改，结句待酌。</font></strong></p>

梅庐 发表于 2006-11-8 13:48:46

意见同上。结句大都因游兴而抒发的，其实倒差不多，看如何写得更蕴藉了

梦落疏篱 发表于 2006-11-8 19:27:49

本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:43 编辑

结句显草率：）

梅庐 发表于 2006-11-8 19:33:12

处州兄诗词結句普遍是即兴而出，少凝练，所以读来味少，这方面建议精酌。妄言，呵呵

处州竹鸣 发表于 2006-11-9 09:57:35

本帖最后由 樱林花主 于 2015-10-6 14:43 编辑

谢梅社、梦落版主宝贵意见！当引以为戒。

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